Doubts

Whenever I lead a retreat or a workshop or give a talk, there is always - without fail - a point in the process that I want to “pull a Jonah” and run away. Not because anything is going poorly, mind you, but because I start listening to the voice of the enemy of human nature (shout out to St. Ignatius for this term!) that starts clamoring loudly in my head saying things like... “Who are you to believe you have anything worthwhile to say?” “What you said made absolutely no sense whatsoever!” “There are so many other more meaningful ways folks could be spending their time other than listening to you ramble.”

And even though I believe deeply that God is with me, I start doubting. I talk about trusting God and then resist doing so. I tell stories about the importance of claiming our belovedness and then struggle to see my own. It is all too easy to fall into the “imposter syndrome” trap. And, then before I know it, I am ready to hop on the very first boat bound for Tarshish!

Let me be clear, this retreat experience has been exquisite in every way! The hospitality at Flores is unparalleled and this sacred space is stunningly beautiful, peaceful, welcoming and I feel like I have found a precious home away from home. Everyone here has been nothing but loving, supportive, gracious, encouraging and full of light.

So where do these doubts come from? I don’t know for sure but I do know that they show up all too often … no matter where I am. I have been through this experience enough times in the past to know that the whisper of God’s still small voice will eventually replace the voice of self doubt. I just need to be patient, journal it all out, allow myself a good boo-hoo, and then gift myself with time to move gently from the shadow back into the light.

I debated about whether or not to share these struggles, but decided it was important to be real about both the highs and the lows of my journey. This post is NOT, I repeat, is NOT a fishing expedition for reassurances! It is simply about my desire to be honest about the fullness of my experience.

Tomorrow I will post more about all the incredibly meaningful, gorgeous, powerful and sacred moments that are happening every day of this retreat - and there are soooooooo many of them!! The souls that have gathered here are so full of love and light that my cup truly runneth over!

There are doubts, yes… but there is blessed reassurance too. I know deep down in the core of my being that God is good and present and faithful and loving and full of light. And for that I am grateful beyond measure.

Thank you for sharing this wild and wonderful journey together with me. With strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…