Disagree without being Disagreeable

I miss my dad. He had a way of making each person he was with feel seen, heard and valued. Even those who were nasty. Even those who disagreed with him. Even those who had hurt him in the past. He found a way to see the blessing of our common humanity even when it was hard to do so.

During the years just before his death, we had breakfast together most Thursday mornings. Over bacon, eggs, English muffins and decaf coffee, we had many long conversations about all sorts of things from political reflections to faith explorations to poetry readings to giggling about silly fart jokes. 

His speech had slowed down significantly after his stroke in the early 90’s so there would often be long pauses that were not uncomfortable but rather refreshing. He would listen deeply. Pause. Reflect. And then slowly respond. 

I remember one particular conversation that has lingered in my heart over all these years when we were talking about how to respond to people and situations that make us angry - really angry. As we talked, he shared a phrase that I have found myself going back to again and again in our increasingly polarized world. My dad’s response to folks with different opinions was to always seek ways to “disagree without being disagreeable.” 

Wow! Wonderful advice and so much easier said than done! Is it really even possible to agree to disagree without being disagreeable?

I confess that I am often so distraught by the vilification of the “other” by those I disagree with that I begin to vilify those who are doing the vilifying! I get so angry about those who thoughtlessly dehumanize the “enemy” that I begin to thoughtlessly dehumanize those who are doing the dehumanizing! How easy it is to spiral down the rabbit hole of becoming my most disagreeable rather than my most faith-filled self.

I disagree deeply with much of what is happening in our world right now and I will continue to raise my voice and speak my truth. Yet, it is my deepest prayer that I will have the wisdom to boldly speak without devolving into being disagreeable by hurling insults or advocating for violence. I disagree that guns keep us safer. I disagree that diversity, equity and inclusion are anything but a reflection of Jesus' love for all. I disagree that compassion is weakness. I disagree that it is okay to hate your enemies. I could go on. There are many people that I love dearly who disagree with me on every single one of these statements - and yet, by the grace of God, we still love one another.

Democracy is a system of government where disagreement is essential. Dialogue is the way that we move forward together stronger instead of stagnating in our own silos. I lament that we are quickly losing the art of dialogue - of disagreeing without being disagreeable.

I want to live into my dad’s advice and find ways to “disagree without being disagreeable.” I want to live into the call of Christ to love our neighbors AND our enemies, to bless the poor in spirit, the grieving, the meek, the peacemakers and those who are persecuted. 

I pray that we can all follow the example of my dad and agree to disagree without being disagreeable. In all of our conversations - especially the most difficult ones - may we cling tightly to the blessing of our common humanity as we listen deeply, pause, reflect and respond.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called children of God.

Matthew 5:9